The Electric Commentary

Monday, March 08, 2004

SUPER BOWL

The Final Electric Commentary, or
This Game Is Supposed To Be SUPER?!!!


So it’s not such a good one this year. So people don’t pay big money to see Teddy Bruschi tackle Steve Smith, but really, the Super Bowl has little if anything to do with football. If you break it down scientifically each team runs about 60-70 plays a game, at about 6 seconds a play for a total of about 14 minutes of actual football action. Seriously, do the math yourself if you don’t believe me. The “rest” of the Super Bowl is usually the good part anyway. There are the horrible musical performances including the immortal combo of Britney, N’Sync, and Aerosmith,, Up With People (or as we Simpsonphiles say, “Hooray for Everything” with their tribute to the greatest, swellest, dancingest hemisphere in the world, the WESTERN HEMISPHERE), and of course Michael Jackson singing about world peace with a bunch of ten year olds which seemed moving at the time and now seems like the beginning of a bad Fox miniseries starring Brian Dennehy (he would be a detective, Michael Jackson would be played by Carrot Top in his dramatic debut).

There are commercials about cat-herding, office linebackers, post-apocalyptic Orwellian nightmares in which we are all forced to use IBM compatible computers (Hey, wait a sec…), Coke, New Coke, Coke Classic, Pepsi, Pets.com (Which I recently purchased off of e-bay for 17 cents), bottles of beer playing football, washed up celebrities and ex-athletes playing football, horses playing football, A game of horse between MJ and Larry, and, and TWINS!

Then there are the immortal Super Bowl MVPs, like Larry Brown, Desmond Howard, and that guy who won it last year, what’s his name again. Oh, Right. Dexter Jackson. Unforgettable.

Oh and let’s not forget the 77 hours of pre-game coverage detailing all of the players overcoming tremendous odds to get paid millions to play a game. It’s truly a moving day. That’s why I start watching coverage as early as possible because I don’t want to miss anything. You never know when Joe Namath may make a guarantee or even better, a drunken pass at Suzy Kolber. You can’t miss this stuff. And who knows what else might happen? Keyshawn has been cut, mugged, and had a restraining order taken out against him. If I were him, I’d stay away from Ray Lewis this weekend. And if Eugene Robinson can solicit a prostitute the night before, is there any reason to think that Steve Smith won’t do something just as stupid? The Super Bowl combines hundreds of the richest, most irresponsible people in the world in one city, at one time, with unlimited alcohol, and because we’re in Texas this year, firearms. Who knows, maybe Brian Urlacher will get injured while pro-wrestling. Nah, that could never happen.

You Want To Propose WHAT?!! (Who are you, Eugene Robinson?)

The Super Bowl offers many gambling scenarios not permitted during the regular season. You can even bet on the coin toss! Who is stupid enough to bet on the coin toss (50/50) when the casino takes 10%? The answer, of course, is drunk people. Here are some prop bets, and my recommendations.

A. Will either team score three straight times without the other team scoring. Yes(-150) No (+120). Take the no. This is a defensive battle, it will limit offensive scores, and therefore, runs.

B. Will there be a successful 2 Pt. Conversion? Yes(+350) No(-500). Call me conservative, but no. First of all, both of these coaches are smart, and smart coaches only go for 2 late in the game. And when they do, 2 pointers only succeed about 40% of the time, if that. This does not pay nearly enough for a yes.

C. Will there be a safety? Yes (+600) No (-1000). I know these odds suck, but has there ever been a safety in a Superbowl. Ah, I seem to remember Tony Eason taking one. But other than that? No way. And it only pays 6 times if you pick yes? Come on, you should get at least 50-1 on this. But you don’t.

D. Will Tom Brady throw 5 or more TD’s? Yes (20-1) Not bad. It could happen if he were playing the Rams. Or the Eagles. But not the panthers. At 4 TDs you get 8-1 odds. It might be worth a gamble.

E. Super Bowl MVP? How about former Packer foil Nick Goings? He’ll get you 100-1. Former Packer foil Brad Hoover will get you the same. Lay 2 bucks on each. Teddy Bruschi gets you 25-1, not too shabby for a guy with a legit shot at it. And Willie McGinest is 30-1! Lay a few on the linebackers!

F. What is completely nuts is that you can PARLAY any of these props. For instance, Teddy Bruschi MVP and Tails will net you a cool 5 G’s should they both hit on a 100 dollar bet.

Alternative Programming

Let’s see, what do we run against the Super Bowl (Note: I’ll bet Celebrity Poker is an option.) We need a show that doesn’t appeal to guys. Better yet, it appeals to girls, and homosexual men. I know, we’ll show a marathon of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. This is exactly what NBC execs thought when programming, so remember this while you’re flipping around. Oh, by the way, your other Broadcast options are Notting Hill, starring Julia Robert, a movie that I once watched with my wife on TV. I walked in the room and it appeared that the movie was just ending. IT went on for 5 more hours, I swear. Or you can watch Sister Act. No wonder the Super Bowl has such great ratings

I think one of the most confusing shows that you could be watching is the half-time Lingerie Bowl. Now, being a male, age 18-35, I often dream of women. Occasionally, football will sneak into my brain. It is, however, a very seldom occurrence that they cross. Perhaps there is some esoteric improvement to the concept of near-nudity gained from adding football to the equation, but frankly, I’d rather they were not playing football. I mean, bad football is bad football. Scantily clad women are scantily clad women. Maybe if they were also proficient, (take note, almost defunct Women’s Professional Soccer League) it would be worth it. I’m sure it will get a huge audience if for no other reason than Lawrence Taylor will be one of the coaches, and Court Room dramas really sell. If nothing else, it should be interesting. Do you think there will be highlights on Sportscenter?

Crazy Like A Fox

A quick bit of substance (sorry). Bill Belichick is a great coach, but even he can’t do it all alone. He’s great when he can exploit the pass at all cost tendencies of Mike Martz (worst coach ever) or the chicken flapping of Peyton Manning, but he’s best when he can capitalize on obvious inefficiencies. The Panthers, under the heady John Fox, have none. They are the football equivalent of the 2003 LA Lakers (before the Mailman and the Glove). They pound, pound, pound with high percentage plays with Stephen Davis (a la Shaq) and take long shots down the field (Guess who threw more passes of 25 yards or more this year, the Rams or the Panthers? WRONG! It was the Panthers). This creates a dilemma because Bill is forced into a 50/50 situation. He can’t leave a LB hanging in no-man’s-land to account for a possible misread, or have a combo run/pass defense. If you call a run defense against the Panthers when they call a bomb, you WILL be burned. If you drop into pass coverage, Stephen WILL run for 5 yards. This dichotomy neutralizes Bill’s greatest strength. Take the Patriots to win, but the Panthers to cover the 7.

Oh, by the way. The Super Bowl Ref is Ed “Hercules” Hochuli. All that working out finally pays off.

I Don’t Need To Walk Around In Circles

So the Pack fired Ed Donatell, and promoted from within some guy with “slow” in his name. Nice. Dick Jauron, who I thought the Packers should have hired, is the DC on the Lions, replaced by Lovie Smith who was the DC for the Rams, who are still run by “Offensive Genius” Mike Martz. Former “Offensive Genius” Norv Turner, the OC for the Dolphins takes the Raiders Job, replacing Bill Callahan, now the head coach at Nebraska, where he can’t possibly ever have a losing season. Note that this may mean the end of the ‘bone at Nebraska, a sad day indeed. Another “Offensive Genius” who left the college ranks, was Steve Spurrier, who is out in Washington, replaced by the legendary Joe Gibbs. He hired Gregg Williams, who was fired by Buffalo and replaced by Mike Mularkey. He also hired Joe Bugle, who used to coach in Arizona. Denny Green is on in Arizona, replacing Dave McGinnis, who used to be an assistant for the Bears, and was almost the head coach until the Bears owner screwed up negotiations. Speaking of Owners screwing up, Jim Fassel was allowed to coach the Giants during the end of the season even though he knew he would be fired, and was replaced by Tom Coughlin, who used to play drill sergeant in Jacksonville until Jack Del Rio took over. Jack used to play LB for the Chiefs, where he frequently chased around John Elway who was coached by Dan Reeves, who quit in Atlanta to be replaced by 49ers DC Jim Mora Jr. And we all know how good the 49ers D was this year. Oh, by the way, Jim Mora Jr. hired Ed Donatell.

Got it?

Good.

In The Mind Of…

Steve Smith – I’m thankful every day for Rae Carruth, without whom I would be the Thugliest Panther receiver ever.

Tom Brady (At the State of the Union) - Was he looking at me when he said that steroid thing? What is he implying. Get that camera off of me. When you mention illegal drug use you point the camera at Kennedy! Kennedy! Well, or Bush, one of the two. Oh, great, now everyone’s going to think I want to amend the Constitution to exclude gay marriage. Great, that will look really good next to giving black people and women the right to vote, and free speech, religion, press, the right to arms. Say, did you ever notice that the good amendments expand rights? In fact, I can only think of one that took rights away, that being prohibition. And that worked out great. I wonder if they’ll let me talk to Bush after the address. I think Mrs. Powell likes me, she keeps bumping into my leg. It’s a good thing her husband is a statesman. Hey, I think I see bolts coming out of John Kerry’s neck. Nah, that’s just a birthmark. Oh well. I can’t believe he mentioned steroids in the State of the Union. Is it really an issue for the federal government? I mean why not just mention “kicking puppies” as a problem…

Jake Delhomme – How come I didn’t get invited to the State Of The Union address? Is it because I’m French?

Rodney Harrison – Dear Lawyer, thanks for holding out. Your friend, Rodney. P.S., It’s pretty warm in Houston right now, how’s Buffalo.

Stephen Davis – Dear Steve, Thanks again for cutting me. Oh, how’s the weather in Washington? Oh, wait, you were fired. Do you think cutting all-pro runningbacks had anything to do with it? Your friend, Stephen.

Ted Washington – Hmm, this is delicious. What do you call it again? I’m not familiar with Texas food. Oh, you call it a “cow.” Well it’s delicious.

Well, I’m out of time. If I don’t send it out now, it will have to wait until after the Super Bowl. And that would be stupid.

Thanks to everyone for reading and answering trivia questions. I’ll see you all in August if not sooner, and write once more for the NCAA Tourney. Have a good year everyone.

I’m out.

Paul Noonan

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