The Electric Commentary

Monday, July 12, 2004

"Black Gold" Cheney

Inspired by Andrew Sullivan

Dick Cheney as Dr. Evil
John Edwards as Austin Powers
Mary Cheney as Mary, Dr. Evil’s daughter, a lesbian.
Sen. Patrick Leahy, Vermont as Number 2

Dr. E - Good evening my evil cabal. I’d like you to welcome my secret energy cabal to the meeting. (applause). Yes yes, they do fine work. But first, our eeevil plan to outlaw homosexual marriage. As you know, our superiors are quite adamant on this matter. Fortunately I have come up with a brilliant plan to make homosexual marriage… (dramatic pause, pinky raised to corner of mouth) Unconstitutional!

Our friends of the religious right have formed a cabal of their own. They believe that marriage should be built on a solid foundation, on a rock, unlike the foolish man who would build it on sand. They call it the “Rock of Marriage Foundation." We have also obtained substantial backing from the Hudson Institute. Therefore, our eeevil plan shall be known as… (dramatic pause, pinky raised to corner of mouth) The Rock-Hudson initiative.

Mary (laughs under her breath)

Dr. E – What was that. Did I hear something?

Mary (laughs out loud)

Dr. E – Oh, did I say something funny, Mary? Did I? Because if I did the secret energy cabal and I would like to know about it.

Mary – You’re such an idiot. Rock Hudson? One of the greatest actors in American history?

Dr. E – Wha?

Mary – He was gay. Where have you been? Why don’t you just call it the Harvey Fierstein amendment?

Dr. E – Who-

Mary – Or the Priscilla, Queen of the Desert initiative?

Dr. E – This is not a monarchy, it s a demo-

Mary – Or the amendment to help Village People?

Dr. E – Actually, that last one isn’t to bad-

Mary – You moro-

Dr. E – Shhh

Mary – No, not this agai-

Dr. E – Shhh

Mary – C’mon da-

Dr. E - Who did we save from Saddam?

Mary – I don’t –

Dr. E – The Shhh-iites

Mary – This is ridicul-

Dr. E – Knock Knock.

Mary – No, I won-

Dr. E – Knock Knock.

Mary – All right, who’s there?

Dr. E – Jacques.

Mary – Jacque who?

Dr. E – Jacques Shhh – rac

Mary – Oh, come on, that’s not even-

Dr. E – Do you surrender?

#2 – Dr. Evil, if I may interrupt, we have some business we need to discuss.

Dr. E – What is it now #2?

#2 – I’d like to discuss the alarming amount of funding being diverted from Evil Inc. into Halliburton.

Dr. E – Oh, you’d like to discuss that? Would you #2? Well fuck you #2! Fuck you! (#2 starts to cry a little) Oh, are you going to cry? Are you a big baby? What are you going to do #2? That’s right, let it out. You’ll get your eye-patch wet. It might shrink. (#2 runs out of the room bawling)

(Austin Powers swings in through a window)

Dr. E – Austin Powers!? And Lockheed Martin hasn’t even delivered my frickin sharks with frickin laser-beams on their heads.

Austin – It’s all over Dr. Evil.

Dr. E – Very impressive Mr. Powers. Tell me, how did you find me?

Austin – We’ve been tracking your secret energy cabal for months now, and we knew someone in our operation was trying to stop us from getting the information. We discovered it was a Mr. Scalia, who knew a great deal of information about you due to a duck-hunting trip that you took together. I did not know you enjoyed the outdoor sports Dr. Evil.

Dr. E – I am fond of killing ducks, geese, bike messengers, little old ladies. You know, the sorts of things that come out in the early fall. How did you get the information out of Scalia?

Austin – As it turns out, he can’t stand to be asked a question three times in a row.

Dr. E – I swear Mr. Powers, I will fucking get you.

Austin – You know Dr. Evil, when you swear an oath on the Senate floor, you really swear an oath on the Senate floor…

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