The Electric Commentary

Monday, July 26, 2004

Miami area Waffle Houses add staff to prepare for Williams' retirement.

Hi, I'm former pro football running back Ricky Williams.  I used to take punishing hits every Sunday for the Miami Dolphins, until I started smoking pot.  At first, everything was basically the same.  I suffer from social anxiety disorder, and it made going out less stressful, and relaxing after practice was easier, but my performance on the field was still excellent.  Then the Dolphins front office failed to sign an adequate offensive line, and the punishment that I was taking increased tenfold.  Because of the added pain, my pot consumption went off the charts.  Eventually I lost the will to show up for training camp. 

You see, pot cost me my career.  Before, the idea of getting beaten to a pulp on a weekly basis even though I already had several million dollars seemed to make perfect sense.  Pot changed all that.  Now, all that I have are my millions of dollars, my mansions, my legions of fans, oh, and four metric tons of the finest imported weed you can find. 

Some other players go the safe route with alcohol, or attempt to improve their games with performance enhancing drugs like anabolic steroids, but not me.  I gave into Mary Jane, and look where I am today.  Sitting alone and unemployed in a hammock on my private stretch of South Beach, with a bag of Doritos, and a pina colada.  And a bong that I had custom designed by this guy.

So, remember kids, next time you're tempted to "light up" or you're faced with "peer pressure" to "smoke a doobie" that if you say yes, you could end up like Ricky. 

This message brought to you by The Electric Commentary as a public service, and as a reminder that if it's fun, someone probably wants to ban it.

Update:

Maybe this is why he's retiring.  The important part:

New super-strength marijuana readily available on US streets is prompting the White House to change direction in its war against drugs.

Super strong pot!  For a limited time only!  Carpe Diem!
(Hat tip, Andrew Sullivan)









2 Comments:

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