The Electric Commentary

Thursday, July 29, 2004

The NFL Offseason, from Amos to Zereoue

There were more offseason moves this year than at any other time in recent memory. There was even a blockbuster trade, a sight unseen since the salary cap set up the signing bonus prison cell which makes trading almost impossible. You may not have kept up, so here’s a brief synopsis. Try and keep up.

Amos Zereoue claimed that he was a 1500-yard back who was being hindered by a runningback-by-committee approach in Pitt, with Jerome Bettis. He got his chance last year, and it turns out that he’s a 433-yard back. D’oh!

Anyway, he won’t get a chance to catch passes from Tommy Maddox or Ben Rothlisberger this year, as he is now a Raider, where he will join a brand new runningback-by-committee of Justin Fargas, Ty Wheatley, and everyone’s favorite "touchdown suck" Zack Crockett. He’ll also join the oldest team in the league, playing alongside Rich Gannon, Tim Brown, and Jerry Rice, although Gannon may be pressed for his job (and should be) by the newly acquired Kerry Collins, who has a much stronger arm, well suited to the new Norv Turner offense in Oakland. Oh, and they’ve also taken a step towards becoming the fattest team in the league by signing under-performing loudmouth Warren Sapp.

You may have noticed Charlie Garner’s name missing from the RB committee. That’s because he’s now a Buccaneer, switching places with Big Warren. The Bucs should rebound nicely, exercising the cancers of Warren and Keyshawn Johnson, now a Cowboy. This team is only one year removed from the Superbowl, look for them to get back. Look for Charles Lee as a sleeper wideout.

Charlie Garner replaces Thomas Jones, now a Bear. The Bears have taken steps to insure future high draft picks by signing the aforementioned loser ex-Cardinal, starting what is basically a rookie quarterback, and now word is that Brian Urlacher has a bum hamstring. It’s always a good idea to ignore positions of need and bring in extra loser RBs, especially when you already have the perfectly serviceable Anthony Thomas in camp.

Word is that the Dolphins are interested in Thomas, possibly offering up sack specialist Adawale Ogunleye. They desperately need a RB to replace the high flying (heh) Ricky Williams, because otherwise, they, how shall I say this, suck. Just to make things a bit worse, they brought in David Boston, who may be cut before opening day, but he’ll look oh so good being cut.

He came over from San Diego, who drafted Philip Rivers to be the new QB. He can’t possibly be worse than Drew Breese, so as long as Reche Caldwell and Antonio Gates do something, anything! Ladanian should easily be a 2000-yard back with 70-100 catches. Philip was traded to the Chargers when crybaby wussy brother of Peyton and Cooper, son of Archibald, Eli Manning refused to play in San Diego (who refuses to live in San Diego? Seriously? Has he ever been to San Diego? Unbelievable).

Eli is a Giant, and may be their starter, except he has to beat out former MVP Kurt Warner to do it. The Giants are pretty unexciting, except I hear they want to return to Thunder and Lightning for a running game. This is problematic, as last I heard Thunder wanted to return to Old Country Buffet for seconds on bulk pudding, and stop by Ricky’s place for some Urine Luck on the way home (Just kidding, Ricky hates Ron, and voted for Major Applewhite over Ron for the Heisman. What, was he high at the time?).

Kurt left unhappily from the Rams where he had gone from downtrodden-boy-makes-good hero to walking joke with his whining, and his wife’s frequent radio show appearances. Goblin sightings have declined 100% in St. Louis recently. The Rams are sort of a disaster, as several of their players have off the field problems (Leonard Little), Marshall is old, Isaac is old, and Mike Martz is still the coach, and still an idiot. At least if Marshall breaks, Steven Jackson looks like a promising backup.

Grant Wistrom, late of the Rams, is now a Seahawk, where Matt Hasslebeck will try and make the leap from just bald to good and bald. The Hawks are pretty much the same, but Matt still has to get over that pick by Al Harris last year.

Al’s teammate, Mike McKenzie is holding out threatening to blow the Packers whole season. They drafted a corner just in case (and a punter, yeah!), but other than that, all they did was sign Tim Couch to back up Brett. We all hope that Tim never plays again. Ever.

The Packers grabbed Tim from the Browns, who drafted him #1 overall a few years back. They may be the most improved team out there, with the shifty Lee Suggs in the backfield, Kellen Winslow at TE, and Jeff Garcia at QB. My sleeper Superbowl pick out of the AFC.

They stole Jeff from San Fran, who just decided to give up this year. They’ll start Tim Rattay at QB, who might be dead by week 3. Rashaun Woods should catch a lot of passes because, hey, someone has to. Oh, by the way, they also lost TO.

He lands on the Eagles. TO was unhappy with the play of Jeff Garcia, a mobile but inaccurate QB. He was also frustrated by the lack of any complimentary receivers to take pressure off of him. So now that he’s an Eagle, he gets to play with Donovan McNabb, a mobile but inaccurate QB, and Todd Pinkston, who’s due to break in half any day now. The Eagles should be a Superbowl favorite, as they also gained The Freak, Javon Kearse, leading to the ancient Chinese riddle, "if Todd Pinkston runs into Javon Kearse’s ankle, what breaks?"

Javon left the Titans, who had a terrible offseason, losing Eddie George (who sucks) and Justin McCareins, (who’s good). Steve McNair is already listed as questionable, as a preemptive measure to spare the training staff from having to write it in to the NFL every week. They’ll rely on Drew Bennet and Tyrone Calico to supplement the excellent Derrick Mason. They also signed Antowain Smith to replace George, and split time with Chris Brown.

Antowain came from New England, who grabbed Corey Dillon from Cinci, who didn’t need him anymore because they have Rudi Johnson.

Eddie went to Dallas, where he’ll join Terry Glenn and Keyshawn Johnson, the most annoying WR tandem in the history of football. They have a bit of a QB controversy, as Quincy Carter blows, Drew Henson has played baseball for a few years, and Vinny Testeverde was mummified over the summer. Parcells loves Vinny, and don’t be surprised if he starts at some point.

Vinny came from the Jets, where Chad Pennington will try to regain the form from his rookie year, and will have both Santana Moss and Justin McCareins to hit in perfect stride, while the elderly Curtis Martin continues to carry the load on the ground. They had a verbal agreement with Antoine Winfield to shore up their defense, but he backed out at the last minute.

Winfield signed with the Vikings who improved their defense, have a healthy Michael Bennett, and added the Randy Moss like (except for the HORRIBLE BACK PROBLEMS) Marcus Robinson. They should win the North.

Marcus Robinson came from the Ravens, who thought they had TO locked up. They missed out on all of the good free agents and as a result they will have the same pedestrian offense as last year. On the plus side, they now have a murdering Lewis and a druggie Lewis (Jamal is likely not guilty of that though, so don’t worry).

The Vikings old coach, Dennis Green, now runs the Arizona Cardinals, who drafted Larry Fitzgerald to join Anquan Boldin as a very good WR squad. Too bad Josh McCown is throwing to them, and Emmitt Smith is still playing. Marcel Shipp is much better.

TO’s former teammate, and former Cardinal 1st round draft pick Garrison Hearst left the 49ers for the Broncos, who will look to Jake Plummer to not get hurt, and play better than Jake Plummer. Garrison will compete for time with Quentin Griffith, Mike Anderson, and intriguing youngster Tatum Bell. The Broncos also shored up the defense by acquiring shutdown corner Champ Bailey, but giving up Clinton Portis.

Clinton is now a Redskin, where he will join the overpaid crew of Dan Snyder under legendary coach Joe Gibbs, back from his stint in Nascar. They could be tough with newly acquired Mark Brunell at the helm, and a healthy Laveranues Coles at WR.

Mark came from the Jags, who have a young tough defense and a young upcoming Byron Leftwhich at QB. Fred Taylor stayed healthy all of last year which is a big positive. Oh, and Jimmy Smith who will probably join Ricky Williams on his round-the-world pot tour sometime soon.

The Redskins also signed former Eagles WR James Thrash, who used to play there a few years ago.

The Eagles also let go of Duce Staley.

Who now plays in Pitt.

Replacing Amos Zereoue.

Got it?

Good.

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