The Electric Commentary

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

What everyone should consider before a Fantasy Football draft.

One of the greatest days of the year is unquestionably Fantasy Football draft day. Unfortunately this year, it’s going to be a little rough. A few friends are out of town for my league draft, and for David’s draft I have to haul myself up to Wisconsin and then back down to Chicago. But in the end, it’s all worth it. After all, it gives you an excuse to drink on a week day (other than “hey, it’s a weekday!”). It allows you to pretend that you’re a GM, and therefore much more important than you really are. It gives you a chance to make horribly distasteful and rude comments about dear friends just because they bought a magazine with a typo that suggested Trent Dilfer had 12 rushing touchdowns the year before, and drafted him in the second round as a result. And it allows me to beat up on Danny.

With that in mind, going into a draft unprepared can be dangerous. Whether your league is run by me, or by a savant bartender with a knack for football stats and perfect diction who can not only criticize you for your asinine choice of Keyshawn Johnson, but also for dangling a participle when you made the selection, you will want to know a few things coming in, if for no other reason than to avoid embarrassment. With that in mind, here are some things to think about:

Why does TO have such excellent “gaydar” so to speak?

Why did Jeff Garcia not immediately tell everyone that TO was on steroids as revenge?

Why is it illegal to cut someone in the NFL over a drug violation?

Will Quincy follow Ricky’s path?

Is Travis Minor really going to start for an NFL football team?

Will it be Eli or Kurt?

Kerry or Rich?

A.J. or Jay?

Philip or Drew or Doug?

Tommy or Ben?

Tony Romo is the backup in Dallas. Is Dallas now a “place for ribs?”

Which happens first: Terry Glenn is injured or Keyshawn scores?

First Mike McKenzie holds out, then Ricky quits. Is there some kind of Dreadlocks Union forming?

Did Chris Hovan decide to room with Brock Lesnar just to get his autograph?

In the middle of the first Vikings game featuring Lesnar (in some far off reality) is Kevin Greene suddenly going to run on to the field with a steel chair and hit him in the back with it?

Alternatively, is Chris Hovan going to suddenly hit Lesnar in the back of the head with a concealed “foreign object” while ripping off his jersey to reveal a Packer jersey beneath it?

If you eat nothing but French (/freedom) onion dip for a full year can you still be an NFL RB for the giants?

Who’s the better Moss, Santana or Randy?

Which RB do you draft from the Broncos? The Vikings? The Raiders? The Browns? The Steelers? The Bears? (Just kidding, who would draft a Bear)?

How long until McGahee starts over Henry?

How good is Laveranues if he’s healthy?

Forget about dominant. Will Marshall start this year?

If he does, will Martz still not run the ball?

If he does run it, is Marshall still good enough to make it count?

Will Eddie George live through the season?

Is Edge a top 10 back? Think about it.

What crap team will suddenly and inexplicably become good?

If Kellen Winslow could only score once in his last season of college ball, why does he warrant 16 odd million dollars?

Are they really going to tighten up pass interference rules? If so, who will be helped (Marvin)? Hurt (TO)?

Kevan Barlow is rid of Garrison Hearst. Will he be better, or does his team suck too badly?

Is Carolina actually good? Really?

Is Joey Harrington now the biggest thing WRONG with the Lions?

Will Antoine Winfield put Minnesota over the top?

Where is Nate Poole?

How badly is Anquan Boldin hurt? How about Urlacher?

Why does Peter King keep picking Jake Plummer for MVP? It makes everything else he says seem ridiculous.

Which dominant runner will have the biggest decline? Ahman? Priest? Jamal? LT?

Will any rookie QB perform well? Are the receivers on those teams screwed?

A lot of people ‘round here say Rex Grossman has a strong arm. I say it’s weak. Who’s right?

Am I spoiled by Brett?

Since Stephen Hawking reversed his theory on black holes, can information thought lost forever now escape from Ted Washington?

In an effort to get Terry Glenn to play up to his potential, does Bill Parcells stream Urge Overkill’s version of Girl, You’ll be a Woman Soon into the Dallas locker room?

Did Denver improve by getting Bailey and Lynch?

In the age of the salary cap, parity, and scrubby teams coming from nowhere to make Super Bowl appearances, how did the Patriots manage to actually get better, again?

Was David Boston’s season ending injury the most predictable thing that has ever happened?

Will Brett make it through another year unscathed?

What happened to Kelly Holcomb, anyway?

Is Shaun Alexander good or not? Cause I’m getting pretty sick of this.

Who is worse, the 49ers or Bears? Cardinals or Bears? Lions or Bears?

If, like me, you answered Bears every time, then who is not better than the Bears?


If Kurt Warner starts in New York, and ends up benched part way through the season in favor of Eli, and his wife calls a local talk radio show, as is her habit, and complains that the receivers sabotaged her husbands chances, and upon leaving the studio one of the receivers runs over her with the car, and she dies, will the New York Post the next day read:

She-male succumbs to Toomer?



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