The Electric Commentary

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

The EC's Exclusive Clubhouse Report.

Your exclusive look into the inner sanctum of professional football.

The preseason is almost at an end. A wave of cuts will soon leave many players unemployed, and tensions are running high in clubhouses across the country, and as you will see, a lot has been happening behind closed doors.

Baltimore Ravens:

Head coach Brian Billick expressed concerns over starting tailback Jamal Lewis’s weight on Tuesday when he overheard the superstar on the phone ordering "400 grams of your best pizza." Lewis has been ordered onto a diet as a result.

Green Bay Packers:

In an intersquad scrimmage on Wednesday between the Packers and Steelers, Steeler RB Duce Staley made a rare special teams appearance, returning a punt in the second quarter. The tackle was made by backup RB Najeh Davenport, who dropped a Duce right on the 20-yard line.

Miami Dolphin:

Retired RB Ricky Williams reported success in his quest to "find himself." "Turns out I was in Tibet," said Williams, his bloodshot eyes glowing under the camera lights. "And, I’m kind of an asshole," he added.

Minnesota Vikings:

Head coach Mike Tice expressed concern over a rash of injuries plaguing Vikings camp. "I can’t believe that mosquito hit Michael (Bennett) right in the knee cap. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m helping Marcus (Robinson) move his new piano up to the third floor today, and I have to go because Randy is my ride, and he’s illegally parked." Onterrio Smith could not be reached for comment as he was out trying to find Ricky Williams too.

Cincinnati Bengals:

Carson Palmer was brutally mauled today by a tiger while shooting an ad for Monday Night Football. Upon further investigation, the tiger was revealed to be Montecore, the tiger that recently mauled Roy Horn, of Siegfried and Roy fame. When asked why the ABC crew included the infamous tiger they replied "we needed someone with some star power."
When head coach Marvin Lewis was asked if this would affect the season he replied, "meh."

Arizona Cardinals:

The Cardinals traded for former Cowboy Troy Hambrick on Tuesday, as the injury to Marcel Shipp had left the running back brigade rudderless. Troy will back up Emmitt Smith, who recently returned from his summer home in Del Boca Vista Estates in sunny Florida. Vinny Testaverde lives right next door. Troy previously backed up Emmitt as a Cowboy.
When asked if Hambrick was their number one choice, Dennis Green said that "we tried to track down Sherman Williams, but he was nowhere to be found."

Chicago Bears:

Bears practice ended on a high note yesterday when RB Thomas Jones managed to eat two Chicago style pizzas in under 15 minutes, besting former record holder, 400 lbs. offensive lineman Aaron Gibson. When asked how he felt about the accomplishment Jones replied that it was "nice to win something."

Buffalo Bills:

Yet another quarterback was freakishly injured in Bills camp as Shane Matthews broke his left tibia. When pressed for details WR Eric Moulds confessed that it was "another Travis Henry bowling injury." Mr. Henry could not be reached for comment, as calls to his house were answered with a "hello" followed by a sudden large thump.

Dallas Cowboys:

Keyshawn Johnson drew the ire of head coach Bill Parcells on Tuesday when he skipped practice to attend the release of his new book, "Well, I’m still better than Wayne Chrebet."

Minnesota Vikings (Part 2):

Upon receiving the news that he was being cut, former WWE star Brock Lesnar laid the blame on roommate Chris Hovan. "I thought he was giving me good advice, but it turns out the whole time he was just screwing with me. He told me we really could use brass knuckles here. And I spent all that time learning how to spit acid from Great Muta for nothing." Lesnar then went on to challenge Hovan to a "Retirement Match."

Denver Broncos:

On Wednesday Mike Shanahan was feverishly seeking a trade for a RB to replace the injured Mike Anderson. Said Shanahan; "This is horrible, and unprecedented under my tenure. Fantasy football players actually have a chance at figuring out which Bronco RB to draft." When pressed if that was really his primary concern he replied "No, of course not. And I’d stay away from Tatum Bell. Yes sir, there is little chance that he’ll see much time," followed by, "I wonder if I could get Najeh Davenport, or Dominic Rhodes. They would be perfect."

San Diego Chargers:

A heated battle is developing between incumbent starter Drew Brees and 4th overall draft pick Philip Rivers. When asked which QB he would prefer, Ladanian Tomlisnon responded, "Eli Manning."

And finally,

Philadelphia Eagles:

Terrell Owens lashed out at Eagles fans on Monday saying that he "wasn’t getting enough batteries thrown his way." Said TO, "They’ve got such a reputation here, but it’s spread around way to much. I mean, what do I have to do?"

We asked an Eagle fan to respond to TO's comment. He said, "TO just needs to be patient. I'm sure that sooner or later he will do something that warrants a barrage of Diehard's thrown his way." He then proceeded th throw a bottle of beer at a passing gentleman wearing an Atlanta Braves baseball cap.

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