The Electric Commentary

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

The Injured Jock

Health care prices are soaring, but why? The answer is simple: runningbacks. Stephen Davis, Deuce McAllister, Edgerrin James, Priest Holmes, Shaun Alexander, Julius Jones, Michael Bennett, Garrison Hearst, Najeh Davenport, Lee Suggs, Travis Minor, and Moe Williams have injuries that have/will cost them playing time. Tight ends have faired just as poorly as Kellen Winslow II, Todd Heap, Jim Kleinsasser, and Jermaine Wiggins have all gone down to an injury over the last two weeks.

With several rich new patients out there, hospitals and drug companies have been making a killing. One anonymous doctor said that :

Why we just had Tommy Maddox in here, charged him five-hundred bucks for a few Advil. And we really cleaned up on the Viagra.

Investors have seen the prices of health companies skyrocket as arthroscopes and knee braces are being purchased by the ton. The Minnesota Viking alone purchased several truckloads of rehabilitation equipment. Some are concerned that goods are in short supply. Said Jacksonville Jaguars RB Fred Taylor:

How am I supposed to get a new "groin-o-matic" if Joey Galloway is out there buying them all up?

However, a few are resorting to more creative solutions. Chicago Bear Charles Tillman, recovering from a sprained right knee looked to the internet for help:

I was searching around e-bay and I stumbled across the knee brace used by Joe Theisman to keep his leg from falling off! Only 58 bucks! So now my knee is set properly and I have a wonderful piece of football memorabilia. I wonder if I could get Lawrence Taylor to sign it.

Still, some players are calling for action to be taken. Jeremy Shockey of the New York Giants made a plea to Congress late Tuesday, asking them to require softer grass, better pads, and more comfortable cups.

John Kerry, speaking at a campaign stop in Indianapolis, called for subsidized medical care stating:

How would the residents of this fair city feel if Marvin Manning was unable to play simply because the price of an ankle support has gone up 3oo% over the last three years?

President Bush had a different take on the matter, as he was interviewed from his Texas ranch on Tuesday.

My opponent and I differ greatly on this issue as I am in favor of keeping the hands of government away from Fred Taylor's groin. I am, however, sympathargic.

What is clear is that help will not be arriving any time soon. Players will have to make due with what they have, even as the problem spreads to other sports. Said Barry Bonds:

I've noticed the cost of "supplements" shifting upwards for some time now. It's like everyone is doing it.

When asked for comment, Jason Giambi declined to give a statement and claimed he had to run to "feed his parasite."

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