The Electric Commentary

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Chris Mohney of Diztopia for President in 2008!

This sounds like a pretty interesting platform:

That's right, I'm not leaving. I don't care if I'm the last card carrying liberal staying home from church on Sunday and making mojitos with free government heroin and aborted baby blood. I'm going to run around shouting about the WTO and consent to a global test on whether I wipe my ass just as I present those very unprotected hindquarters to any terrorist who comes along and blows up fine young Americans, and I will immediately give in to any terrorist demands presented to me in order of appearance. I'm going to pump up the government to its maximum bloated size and raise taxes to 150,000% and mandate that corporations cannot be larger than five union employees and I will lobby to make heterosexual marriage punishable by death. And when you do die, the death tax will be retroactively applied to all your ancestors such that all your possessions and all your children unto the 13th generation will become the property of the Internal Revenue Service. And I will always defend rich trial lawyers and frivolous lawsuits and special interests and the teachers' associations and welfare queens and Willie Hortons and I will throw taxpayer money at any problem just to make it go away. I'll open up the jails and send death-row inmates to staff daycares and public schools even as I replace district attorneys with UN delegates from Libya. Cops won't carry guns but criminals will by force of law, and special detachments of gang members will enforce mandatory gun ownership on other criminals, since the cops will be forced to stay inside their own jail cells reading up on all the statutes that protect the rights of criminals. Because when all rights are outlawed, only outlaws will have rights. You dig it?

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