The Electric Commentary

Friday, October 28, 2005

Ozzie Guillen for Supreme Court!

Since legal qualifications don't matter to the administration, Ozzie is the perfect fit.

Having just won the World Series as manager of the Chicago White Sox, his popularity is at an all time high.

He's young:

Born on January 20, 1964.

He's pragmatic:

I don’t use computers. Yeah, I have e-mail. But what’s so hard about e-mail? It’s just “delete, delete, delete.”

He will help improve strained US/Venezuala relations:

All over the bars and restaurants, baseball fans are abuzz about Oswaldo.

While he's called Ozzie Guillen in the United States, Venezuelans know the White Sox manager by his full name. And with Chicago on the verge of winning the World Series, pride is swelling for the national hero.

"We love Ozzie," Simon Lopez said in one packed nightspot. "He plays a different baseball: Caribbean style."

Fans in the South American country on the Caribbean coast tend to root for the major league teams with the best Venezuelan representation.

Daniel Barrios, a 27-year-old civil engineer, said he would be rooting for the Houston Astros if not for Guillen's presence with the White Sox.

"Interest has grown a lot," Lopez said. "This series has gotten a lot of Venezuelans involved."

He's highly intelligent:

I’m smarter than a lot of guys who go to Harvard. When you come to this country and you can’t speak any English at 16 years old, and you have to survive, you have to have something smart in your body. If you take one of those Harvard guys and drop them in the middle of Caracas, they won’t survive. But if you drop me in the middle of Harvard, I’ll survive.

And if that's not enough for the administration, he is also a man of faith:

Something you believe that very few people do?

There are any number of safe and careful places Ozzie Guillen could have gone with this answer when asked during spring training. But the manager of the Chicago White Sox doesn't do safe and careful. What fun is that? So Guillen didn't say he believed in everlasting love, second chances or the designated hitter. He settled on this:

''I've got a real weird religion,'' Guillen said.


''Santeria,'' he said.

It's a bloody religion, imported from Africa. Guillen believes in animal sacrifice.

Heck, if Chicago fans had known it would work like this, they might have endorsed human sacrifice.

You kill animals, Ozzie?

''Back in my country [Venezuela], yes, I do,'' Guillen said.

So call your congressman today, and tell them to pressure the White House into making the only sensible choice.

Ozzie Guillen: A self made man, who came to this country to make something of himself, and who, on occasion, participates in the ritual sacrifice of chickens.


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