The Electric Commentary

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

So the Packers suck...

You already knew that. The problem is that you know that you're still obligated to watch. Unfortunately, this could lead to depression, suicide, etc.

Fortunately, however, I've come up with a way to make the rest of the season slightly more bearable: The 2005 Packer Drinking Game.

Let's face it, alcohol was invented for things like this. It's the reason that action stars swig a fifth of whiskey before they cauterize a wound with a branding iron, or pull a tooth. You may as well have a positive purpose to your drinking, instead of just drinking to forget.

What you will need: Whiskey, a case of bad beer (Old Style or worse), some Guinness, Amaretto, Bailey's, Kahlua, a bunch of other girlie stuff, Tequila, maple syrup, red wine, creme de menthe, Russian vodka, Tom Collins mix, and Miller High Life.

1. Whenever Robert "Turd" Ferguson short arms a ball, do a shot of Amaretto while talking about how Turd is a funny name. Add an extra shot of Tequila if the play results in an interception, and, if possible, don a giant sombrero.

2. Whenever Najeh Davenport gets stuffed, stand up and shout "They dropped a Deuce!" Do two shots of Whiskey and continue closet related jokes.

3. If Ahmad Carroll is all over a receiver,do the moonwalk, and chug the amount of beer required to make you that bad of a cornerback.

4. Drink a shot of maple syrup every time Will Whitaker gets pancaked.

5. Mark Roman misses an easy tackle. Fiddle down some red wine while Green Bay gets burned.

6. B.J. Sander botched a snap. Let's just say that the shot you have to do here contains Kahlua (or butterscotch schnapps, or banana liqueur), Bailey's, and whipped cream, and leave it at that.

7. Ahman Green fumbles! Do a Slippery Nipple.

8. Ahman Green is injured! Ease the pain with some nice green Creme de Menthe.

9. KGB was run over by the opposing RB. A shot of Stoli is in order.

10. Nick Collins takes the shallow TE instead of the streaking #1 WR that Michael Hawkins is covering one on one. Time for a Tom Collins, as he is a superior safety, whoever he is.

11. Nick Barnett is celebrating for no reason. Everyone yell Yatzi! and drink a Miller High Life: The Champagne of Beers.

12. Paris Lenon missed a tackle. We surrender! Drink some wine for the first name, and vodka for the last.

13. Aaron Rogers is playing. Sit back, relax, and pour yourself a Guinness. Now it's time to drink to forget.

This will improve your viewing experience immensely. Or it will kill you. Either way, you won't have to suffer through the rest of this season, which has to be a good thing.

(Crossposted at TheWisconsinSportsBar.)

3 Comments:

  • I'm curious whether Paul and the other Packer fans around here think Favre should be done after this year. Drafting a quarterback in the first round is a pretty sure sign that you don't expect your current quarterback to last very long (although John Elway played seven more years after the Broncos drafted Tommy Maddox in the first round). It's not like Favre is holding them back. He's still better than a lot of starting quarterbacks in the NFL. But if you think they've got a long, long way to go to be back in title contention, you've got to think Favre won't be part of it. I also can't imagine Favre playing anywhere else.

    By Blogger MDS, at 4:35 PM  

  • Paul you forgot a shot of tabasco & rum for every time Favre throws a ball to nowhere and gives his WR's a "What the hell were you doing?" look.

    MDS: At least Favre gives us something to watch for a few years. Besides, if we can get a high draft pick anyway, then it's not worth taking the chance of scarring Rogers. You can ruin young QB's by putting them on a horrible team, it's much easier if they have a running game first (Brees, Brady, Palmer, Peyton Manning, Roethlisberger) thus giving them some time to figure out what to do.

    Also, it might not be that far & Rogers might suck. Overpaying this offseason to keep players would have made it longer. Last year GB was 1 pass rusher and 2 DB's away from a rather good team (decent D, great O). Of course, now GB is even further: 2 guards, 1 pass rusher, 3 DB's, top RB. Some DT's or LB's wouldn't hurt either.

    Our last SuperBowl team had Favre, worse RB's, worse WR's, a better, o-line, very good D-line, equally bad linebackers, average DB's except Leroy Butler. Real stars: Favre, Butler, White. I guess if you consider that it will take a while to find & develop two real stars for the D, it will be a while.

    By Anonymous Scott H, at 9:23 PM  

  • I wonder if they have any idea about Brett's plans. If he will play anothe two years they should definitely concentrate in other areas. I praised the Rogers pick at the time, but that is premised on the assumption that Favre is hanging it up soon. If he's not, it's a wasted pick.

    I'd like to see him stick around. I don't think he'll decline significantly until he loses arm strength, and that could be awhile. I'd like to see him play for a few more years, and hold out some hope that they can rebuild quickly.

    Basically, I think he's still good and that we're unlikely to improve.

    But I think they must have some idea that he's retiring after this year.

    But, if they don't, they're morons. Which is entirely possible.

    By Blogger PaulNoonan, at 10:10 PM  

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