The Electric Commentary

Friday, February 10, 2006

Paul and Jay-Z: A duet on the subject of Valentine's Day

Update: Apparently if you didn't watch the Grammy Awards this doesn't make much sense. If you can find a copy of the Linkin Park/Jay-Z/Paul McCartney performance, it will all become clear. Suffice it to say that Jay-Z's contribution to the performance was underwhelming.

(Paul is in regular print, Jay-Z is in italics)

People are great at turning holidays into giant parties. (Uh-Huh, Uh-Huh.) Even religious holidays sometimes open the door to booze-a-thons these days. Christmas now has a fair amount of imbibing, we celebrate Mardis Gras before Lent, and of course, St. Patrick's Day started it all. (Yeah, that's right.)

And, of course, the non-religious holidays like Halloween, the 4th, and New Year's Eve have all become celebrations of the vine, so to speak. (Uh-Huh, Yeah, Yeah.) It's really quite amazing that there are not more holidays devoted to sex (and love). (Uh, Uh, Uh.) I suppose that Mardis Gras covers the more low-brow aspects of sex, but Mardis Gras really serves as sort of a catch-all for vices. I'm talking about specifics. (Yeah, Uh-Huh.)

But we do have Valentine's Day, which reveals quite a bit about people. For instance, Valentine's Day confirms all of our suspicions that women are in charge. (Uh.) If Valentine's Day was more balanced, there would be less pink, less frou-frou, etc. But it is not.

But in a way this is a good thing. Some guys are mystified by women. (Yeah, that's right.) I'm convinced that a high percentage of men don't actually view women as people. They think that if they provide a certain stimulus (humor, good looks, money, etc.) that the women will respond in a certain way (sex) all of the time. (Uh-huh). Valentine's Day is the closest that we get to that actually happening. Everyone does all of the hard work of figuring out what she likes for you. Flowers are money. Candy is usually a winner. A diamond is a big winner. Those stupid Vermont Teddy Bears seem popular. And lingerie is A-O.K. Tickets to plays, nice dinners, perfume, etc. And it's all right in front of your face. You have to put in some real effort to screw this up. (Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.)

If you simply pay attention to Valentine's Day, you're good for the rest of the year. Most of these things make good birthday and Christmas presents too. (Yeah, that's right) You just have to remember what they are.

We also know that if men were in charge of designing Valentine's Day, no women would show up. It would probably look a lot like the Super Bowl actually, but with some half-time sex thrown in. (Uh.)

(Thanks Jay-Z, you, uhm, added a lot. Just like that Paul McCartney duet.)

So, good luck to everyone. For the record I have the best wife ever. We're doing romantic-type stuff on Valentine's Day, but this weekend we're going to the Wisconsin-Ohio State hockey game at Lambeau Field.

Have a good weekend, and don't forget that the last four episodes of Arrested Development air tonight. Tape, Tivo, etc.

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