The Electric Commentary

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Archaeological Dig: 3500 CE

...On Tuesday we discovered something quite extraordinary. A statue marking the entrance of this Colosseum was unearthed in the morning. It confirms our suspicions about the purpose of this establishment as an arena of torture and punishment. The playfully-named demon "Harry Caray" watches over the proceedings, laughing maniacally.

His over sized novelty eye wear clearly suggest an all-seeing nature, and his primitive audio-projection device tells us that he was the impetus behind the terrible acts that took place inside the structure. Whether this Caray ever existed or, more likely, was simply another step in the evolution of the "evil trickster," his visage can be found all over this area, marking it as the focal point of the cult.

An inscription on the bottom reads as follows:

Was he counting off lashes on a stubborn victim, turns of the rack, or some other fate too horrible to contemplate? At this point we can only speculate, but whatever went on here it appears that both participants and spectators were harmed. Here we see Caray presiding over the souls of the damned:

He appears to draw power from their screams.

It is unclear why the residents of this city fell into such a masochistic cult. If the experience led to nothing but pain, why did people return over, and over, and over despite the hopelessness and despair? Why did they show up year after year? What we do know is that thousands of people flocked to this venue, that they suffered, and that they seemingly enjoyed it to the point that they returned in greater numbers. Caray's iconography:

appears frequently throughout the city, often in association with a goat:

As we know, the goat, and cloven-hoofed animals in general have a close association with evil supernatural beings throughout history. The sign in question echoes the famous greeting at the gates of hell: Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.

This is quite a find, to be sure. Our notions of the humiliations that went on here were based on complete speculation until recently, when one of our tech researchers managed to locate this ancient video, showing the barbarians engaging in some of the vile entertainment of the day. It has degraded over the centuries, but we have managed to restore enough to validate our conclusions. The act captured on the video did take place inside the stadium, in a dank, concrete room. Look on, but be warned that it is not for the faint of heart:

We hope to be on our way shortly. Perhaps it's the old superstition getting to me, but this place almost seems cursed.

End Transmission.


  • Awesome post. Is that last clip a piss-trough?

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:26 AM  

  • Yes. Yes it is.

    By Blogger PaulNoonan, at 8:34 AM  

  • Yes, this had me laughing out loud.

    And as for that last clip... Wow. How much money do you think that guy won?

    By Blogger DannyNoonan, at 8:44 AM  

  • I'll bet it was a dare and not a bet. Whatever it was, it wasn't enough.

    By Blogger PaulNoonan, at 9:22 AM  

  • Miller Park should show that clip on the scoreboard when the Cubs are in town with a heading of something like "Great Moments in Chicago Sports" or "Cubs Fans are retards, exhibit 1."

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:00 PM  

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